To All The Boys (and Girls) I've Loved Before

This past week, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the relationships I've formed with people, both platonic and romantic. While some continue to grow, others have fizzled out, and a few even continue to resurface like bad dream. There are some things that I think I've been meaning to say for a while, and I have not had the proper platform to express my thoughts until now. I know that there's no way I can be the only one feeling every emotion that runs through my mind. Although we experience everything in crushing solidarity, our pieces somehow fit together in a way where empathy can be fostered. It is my turn to speak - I can not hold back any longer.

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I remember the day that we started to be. Summer days were filled with jokes and ice cream and endless blue skies. The grass had never been greener, and I was excited to wake up in the mornings because more time with you meant more time away from all of my problems. Summer was gone in the blink of an eye, and so were you. What I didn't realize at the time was that people do not change. No matter how hard you try to push or pull, they will not come back in ways you're used to. Sunsets will never look the same and you'll hate the clothing they touched you in and that is okay.These types of people do not differentiate commitment from cages, and cowardice runs within the veins of those who do not understand this. Being dragged through the mud will teach you to look at the animal and recognize that wildness does not have to equal cruelness.

The times I was forced into unforeseen situations were the same times where my mind wanted to split in half. Many people will stop at nothing to get what they want, and it is a sad reality. You are in no way wrong for speaking up. You are in no way weak by holding it in if you choose. The people who hurt you will make you feel bad about the things that you do, because of what they did. It is a twisted logic. I will never forget the feeling of washing my mouth out in the bathroom or trying to scrub my body in the shower to get rid of the fingerprints, the smell, the memories. The fact that you do not see the ugliness in your demeanor is sickening. You broke me, and thought nothing of it. I am not afraid of you, despite the terror that the flashbacks bring.

Our ride was a drop zone. The second we felt so high, your entire being would collapse, and my stomach would fall with you. Writing couldn't help me; talking couldn't help me. I felt like I was living in a simulation in which I could always leave, but you were stuck. Nothing that I did was enough. My free time was devoted to trying to find what would make you happy. A glimmer of any emotion sent me searching for more. I put myself in your shoes constantly, and because of that, I started to deteriorate. The times that I couldn’t make it through, I felt guilt take over. I checked you for signs of the bad coming in; I checked myself into therapy. Some days were amazing; your laugh will always ring in my ears. But I had to get out so I wouldn’t go under. Many times the love that you give to someone will never be enough.

The first time you kissed me, I felt something I had never felt before. I was so nervous, but you were so gentle and kind and didn’t push me. We laid there for what felt like hours, and you said that if I didn’t want to continue, you would understand. But I didn’t want this to be a fleeting phase. You opened me up to a world in which I felt safe and protected. We helped each other through chemistry, and you helped me discover the truest, most unapologetic form of myself. I am eternally grateful for your compassion in a world where genuine is hard to find.

I really thought that you could be the one. It was a fluke that we even found each other, and I don’t remember the last time I felt that sense of hopefulness. Just holding your hand was enough to make me smile. Even my closest friends noticed a change in me. But the uneasiness was palpable. When I told you how I felt, I meant it, every single word. Love is not a black and white universe - it’s a condition in which we find ourselves acquiring it at different rates and different intensities. When I jumped, you jumped too, but why? Why would you tell someone you are ready to fly when you’re still afraid of heights? I felt anger seep through my bones. Building someone else up only to take out a block and watch them crash is selfish. Do not drag someone else into your shit before you have it figured out. Your actions have consequences.

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If any of you have similar stories or feelings, I’d love to hear how they’ve shaped you, whether in a positive or negative way. You never know - a new project might come out of this surge. I’d like to believe that there is more good than bad in this world, despite the ratio of emotions within this blog post. With it being mental health awareness month, here are a few resources for those who need them. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - do not apologize for how you feel. You deserve to continue your journey in healthy ways.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

A free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673)

Serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Expert advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone in the United States who is experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship. The hotline provides lifesaving tools and immediate support to empower victims and survivors to find safety and live free of abuse. We also provide support to friends and family members who are concerned about a loved one.

To Write Love on Her Arms - https://twloha.com/

A non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Much Love,

Anna xxx