Struggling with Grief

I've been contemplating sharing this article on the blog for a while, but on the trip home from college, I finally decided that it needs to be said. We as a species, as smart and complex as we are, still sometimes have trouble analyzing and dealing with the feeling that we call grief. Whether it be over a person or a place or a thing, grief manifests itself in us in different ways that are unique to each person. I'm about to share my story with you all - some may have already read it in this spring semester's issue of Mode Magazine. I hope that by putting this out to the world, I can help at least one person feel less alone.

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When my mom died, I remember sobbing in my dad’s arms. I remember looking at her body and thinking, that’s not my mom. That can’t be her. She’s back at the neighbor’s house and she will come home soon. But life just doesn’t work like that - you can’t predict the future or change fate or turn back time.

Lesson #1: loss is something that everyone handles in different ways.

The first thing that I learned very early on is that each and every one of my family members grieves very differently. For my sister, it was shutting herself in her room for a few days. For my dad, it was submerging himself into his work and preparations for the funeral. For me, it was going over to my best friend’s house to spend time with her and her dogs. There is no right way to grieve - feelings and moods change constantly. I often find myself going through the motions of the day feeling numb and angry at myself for not feeling what I think I should be feeling. I remind myself that it is okay to feel whatever thoughts come into my head. I am an individual with my own mind that is unique and works in its own ways.

Lesson #2: allow your emotions to go where they want to.

Once I got back to school, I noticed that I was starting to feel a little better when I was around my friends and keeping myself busy with classwork. My friends took me out, and I was relieved to be in a familiar environment with people who made me feel safe. But a few days after the start of the semester, it’s like a switch flipped inside me. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do laundry or even eat dinner. I kept seeing flashes of my mom’s first seizure, or her coming back from rehab, or her walking along the beach with me. I wanted her to appear and assure me that she is still here for me. The tactic that I most often use is letting my thoughts wash over like waves - coming and going as they please but not focusing on one thing for too long.

Lesson #3: choose to put your energy into things that mean something to you, and also know when to give yourself a break.

I started to look for love everywhere - all I wanted to do was fill the gaping hole in my heart and forget about everything that happened. Music and writing are my go-to methods, which is healthy and allows me to get my feelings down on paper. Whenever I need some time away from work or just wanted to relax, I’ll pull out my guitar for 15 minutes. The second thing I was doing was much unhealthier in contrast - I was looking for love in other people. Saturday mornings I’d wake up and be sick to my stomach at the thought of who I was with the night before. That type of love isn't really loving; it’s using a person to make you feel more secure. When I’m in those situations, I have to tell myself that people will not always stay, but the right ones will.

I don’t have the wisdom to say that things will get better, but I can assure you that there are people out there who care, and want to help make things a little easier. Even speaking to one person about how you’re feeling can lighten the burden you carry on your shoulders. Allow yourself to talk to others, and never apologize for expressing how you feel. Know that you are not a burden - you are a blessing.

Until next time,

Anna xxx