Escaping the Gender Binary

When I was around a sophomore in high school, I remember taking a trip to New York City with my family, and asking my dad if I could go into the men's section of a store with him. I found a black and white tee-shirt, just a little larger than my "true" size, and bought it that day. This seemingly insignificant piece of clothing highlights one of the earliest prominent moments that I can look back on now with fresh realization, seeing how my gender identity was starting to slowly change, although I couldn't even explain how I felt or what this meant for me when I was a younger person.

I started wearing bigger and baggier clothing, especially as I graduated high school and made my way to college across the state. Dressing with room for my body to move around was a way of evading one of my first strong feelings of [bodily] gender dysphoria and channeling a more comfortable sense of masculinity, while still retaining a level of femininity that felt good to me. Pants that didn't grip and hug my skin stacked my wardrobe, and XL tee shirts were comfier to me and much easier to hide my chest altogether.

Cutting my hair in the bathroom of my sophomore dorm with scissors and beat-up clippers was a physical and metaphorical shedding of who I was [then a female] - I wanted to feel freer in the sense of figuring out what androgyny looked and felt like for myself, and knowing that the hair would grow back healthier than before reflected my wish to be able to come out and progress as the anna who was trapped inside, restricted and confused with their gender at the time.

Finally coming out as transgender non-binary along with starting to use they/them pronouns was definitely one of the steps I was most nervous to take. I wasn't sure how my family & the rest of my circle were going to react, even though my close friends who knew of my identity were doing everything to correct themselves when they got my pronouns wrong. Even looking for partners after coming out gave me a large amount of anxiety, as I never knew how someone would react to me sharing my gender identity (thank goodness that I found someone wonderful who embraces me for me every single day <3).

Most recently, I've been focused on doing things for my mind and body that foster gender euphoria. Dysphoria looks and feels different for every person, and many trans people go through dysphoric moments every week, if not every day. For me, this (most recently) looks like wanting my chest to be as unnoticeable/nonexistent as possible. Wearing tops (especially smaller ones) and bathing suits just did not feel right (a sort of dissociative in-body feeling is the best way I can describe it), and so last month I purchased a custom-made binder from a trans-owned Etsy shop. Andycore did an amazing job with the design, and wearing it makes me honestly feel the most like myself that I've felt in a long ass time.

I've also really REALLY been working to actively recognize & remind myself that things such as my makeup and clothing do not define my gender nor make me any less non-binary, regardless of if it's masculine or feminine, androgynous, or something different altogether. Despite the progressiveness that has come with my generation, there's still a frequent adherence to the binary perspective, as well as the general notion that non-binary has to be "in-between" male and female. Non-binary can be anything that they (or he! or she!) want it to be. Non-binary means something different to everyone.

And one's gender can change more than once - the same goes for their pronouns. They are trying to figure out who they are, and what makes them feel the most comfortable. I am still learning as I go, and I'm trying to embrace myself, as well as be vulnerable, and make space for my most inner self to fluctuate and simultaneously take root. It's been a hell of a journey so far, and I am sure that there is plenty more self-discovery bound to happen; I hope that if you're reading this and have felt similar things that you now feel a little less alone <3 One of the best things you can do, *especially if you are a cis-gendered person*, is to be actively respectful and considerate of others and their name/pronouns/boundaries.

If you've read this whole post, I want to say thank you so so much for listening to this little piece of my story. Like I expressed before, I'm still learning and progressing in my knowledge and understanding of the absence of the gender binary, and how that folds into my personal experience as someone who now identifies as transgender non-binary. I'm sending love to those who cannot come out (for whatever reason) and please know you are still very valid. Trans joy deserves to be seen and heard. I'm finally starting to feel it too.

Until Next Time,

Anna xxx